Horoscope September 2018

The election is coming up.  This is the most important election.  Just like all the other elections.  You better vote this time, and don’t try to get sneaky this time with some sort of progressive third party candidate trying to build power outside of the two capitalist parties.  The purity police will find you. Continue reading

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Horoscope for November 2016

Aries: Do you brine it?  Or do you boil it in the salt water?  I think if you boil a chicken, you can rip it apart so it shreds, and you boil it in the salt water, and it is salty and delicious.

Taurus: If you cook a bird in a crock pot it’s way better.  You could boil it, but would you make oatmeal out of cheerios?

Gemini: Are you suggesting that you could boil cheerios, and make oatmeal, and look at myself in the goddamned mirror, as a grown man of 30, as a grown man who is a woman, and also has the voice of a little kid?

Cancer: Rush Limbaugh’s soft shitty body is a windmill full of corpses.

Leo: German dungeon porn is the great depression.

Virgo: The world’s greatest squid restaurant.  It’s your destiny to found a restaurant called “exsquidsite” because you are the only one who have the knowledge to found a restaurant based on the best way to cook squid using a toaster oven.

Libra: Every round, place one white card in a pile, this pile belongs to Rando.  If Rando wins the game, you will all go home in a pile of shame.

Scorpio: Did you know what you did last summer?

Sagittarius: Tomorrow at brunch, you will realize that your pancakes taste like poppers.  You will announce this out loud and embarrass yourself amongst your friends.

Capricorn: I normally wouldn’t shame somebody for doing a drug, but come on, god damn it.

Aquarius: The purple of this candy is the shit, and I don’t know why.  It’s so good.

Pisces: You should put a shirt on.