WISCASSET, ME– A beloved catfish born with two heads as a result of the radioactive waste leaking from the (now decommissioned) Maine Yankee nuclear power station has died today, after a truck hauling a tank filled with tar sands went off the road and into the Sheepscot river, releasing thousands of gallons of tar sands bitumen. Continue reading
Let’s step inside for a closer look:
SATAN’S ASSHOLE, ME — Record high temperatures are becoming almost passe as climate change drives disruption to our planet’s weather patterns, and Satan’s Asshole is no exception. Satan’s Asshole is an unincorporated gore just outside of Augusta that Dale Brown and his sister Gail call home, where they rent a room at the Polyp Inn, a small hotel famously owned by Donald Trump in the 1990s. Dale was drenched in sweat. Continue reading
THE INTERNET — Senior Research Scientists at the World Headquarters of the Internet say, in a press conference today, that the internet is almost full, and will need to be abandoned.
“The internet is just so totally full. Like, there’s not room for even one more thing in the internet.” says senior research scientist, Dr. Xavier Vesperto. “Soon, we will have to abandon the internet entirely, and move on to something else.” Continue reading
WASHINGTON DC — The latest development in the Muller investigation revealed today that Russian Hackers are responsible for the GOP’s ongoing fight against voting rights legislation. Russian Hackers were also found to be suspected to be behind the GOP’s voter roll purges, mostly of black and brown people, and low-income white people, going all the way back to the 2000 election of George W Bush. Continue reading
PORTLAND, ME– An alternate dimension of reality has been glimpsed while testing on the first working prototype of a “gravity engine” at University of Southern Maine — which could potentially be used for interstellar travel.
“The drive can potentially be used to travel faster than light. But it doesn’t really travel faster than light. What it does, is it creates creates a very small, stable black hole, which we can then use to manipulate stretch the fabric of spacetime. It can punch a hole through the fabric of reality to link two points in space and time allowing for what appears to be instantaneous movement from one point to another.” said Dr. William Weir.
However, this technology may come at a cost. The first tests of the device opened a gateway to what Dr Weir describes as “a horrifying alternate reality” in which earth is populated by humanoids who live in a world very much like ours, but with socialized health care, free college tuition, free childcare, fully funded Planned Parenthood-like institutions, and flying creatures whose bodies are seething masses of tentacles, each of which ends in either clusters of eyeballs, or mouths ringed with what appear to be needle-sharp teeth. Continue reading
PORTLAND, ME — I climbed a mountain, but I’m still a shitty person. I posed for this photograph, and it looks like I am the pinnacle of triumph, like I’m living my best life, but I’m still a selfish child in an adult’s body, and I have no idea what I’m doing.
They say that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and the owners of the Opium at the Danforth Inn are keen on putting that to the test. Continue reading