I Haven’t Experienced Weather Like This Since I Rented a Room in Satan’s Asshole

Let’s step inside for a closer look:

SATAN’S ASSHOLE, ME — Record high temperatures are becoming almost passe as climate change drives disruption to our planet’s weather patterns, and Satan’s Asshole is no exception.  Satan’s Asshole is an unincorporated gore just outside of Augusta that Dale Brown and his sister Gail call home, where they rent a room at the Polyp Inn, a small hotel famously owned by Donald Trump in the 1990s. Dale was drenched in sweat. Continue reading

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Internet Is Full, Must Be Abandoned

THE INTERNET — Senior Research Scientists at the World Headquarters of the Internet say, in a press conference today, that the internet is almost full, and will need to be abandoned.

“The internet is just so totally full.  Like, there’s not room for even one more thing in the internet.” says senior research scientist, Dr. Xavier Vesperto.  “Soon, we will have to abandon the internet entirely, and move on to something else.”

World Headquarters of The Internet spokeswoman, Carleena Trembly, postulated ideas about what sorts of things could be found in the new internet, internet v3.0.

“We all know that internet 1.0 was a basic file-sharing system, internet 2.0 was social media, it’s time to abandon these completed and filled things, and move on to something new, but it’s not clear what this ‘internet of things’ will look like.” said Dr. Trembly.

“We could imagine a future internet where instead of clicking ‘like’ on things our friends post, we might instead invite friends over to our actual homes, and laugh whimsical things that they have to say.  Memes may eventually become actual cats. Emails could just be a nice breeze on a summer day while sitting in a hammock and sipping iced tea.  Soylent Green, will be people. It’s impossible to know what the post-internet v2.0 future will be like, but we are about to find out.”

Russia Responsible for GOP Purging Voter Rolls and Democrats Doing Nothing About It

WASHINGTON DC — The latest development in the Muller investigation revealed today that Russian Hackers are responsible for the GOP’s ongoing fight against voting rights legislation. Russian Hackers were also found to be suspected to be behind the GOP’s voter roll purges, mostly of black and brown people, and low-income white people, going all the way back to the 2000 election of George W Bush. Continue reading

Scientists Open Wormhole Revealing Horrifying Alternative Reality

PORTLAND, ME– An alternate dimension of reality has been glimpsed while testing on the first working prototype of a “gravity engine” at University of Southern Maine — which could potentially be used for interstellar travel.

  “The drive can potentially be used to travel faster than light.  But it doesn’t really travel faster than light.  What it does, is it creates creates a very small, stable black hole, which we can then use to manipulate stretch the fabric of spacetime.  It can punch a hole through the fabric of reality to link two points in space and time allowing for what appears to be instantaneous movement from one point to another.” said Dr. William Weir.

However, this technology may come at a cost.  The first tests of the device opened a gateway to what Dr Weir describes as “a horrifying alternate reality” in which earth is populated by humanoids who live in a world very much like ours, but with socialized health care, free college tuition, free childcare, fully funded Planned Parenthood-like institutions, and flying creatures whose bodies are seething masses of tentacles, each of which ends in either clusters of eyeballs, or mouths ringed with what appear to be needle-sharp teeth.

“From what we can tell from our experience looking through this window into this alternative reality, there are no vigilante men outside of their reproductive health clinics.  Female humanoids are able to drop their kids off at public daycare centers without paying any money, and parents are given 12 months of paid leave. The humanoids there seem to have no discernible systems of oppression based in class, gender, or race. The skies are filled with flying balls of tentacles, covered in hideous eyeballs and gnashing mouths.  It’s a terrifying alien hellscape, completely foriegn to anything we know in our own reality,” Dr Weir said.

Female graduate student Bethany Stanhope, assisting Dr. Weir on this project, didn’t fully share Dr Weirs thoughts.

“This version of reality is certainly very different from our own.  But from what we can tell these flying tentacle monsters just sort of float around and only eat people occasionally.  Women and people of color are able to pursue education, career, and family unimpeded by structural discrimination.  It actually seems like a pretty ideal version of reality compared with our own.”