It’s friday afternoon or morning. I can’t tell because I only work two days, five times a month.
I’m on my daily three hour jog around the Eastern Prom trail. My knees don’t hurt this time, because I had kale and Greek yogurt at my last lunch. Continue reading
PORTLAND, ME– An alternate dimension of reality has been glimpsed while testing on the first working prototype of a “gravity engine” at University of Southern Maine — which could potentially be used for interstellar travel.
“The drive can potentially be used to travel faster than light. But it doesn’t really travel faster than light. What it does, is it creates creates a very small, stable black hole, which we can then use to manipulate stretch the fabric of spacetime. It can punch a hole through the fabric of reality to link two points in space and time allowing for what appears to be instantaneous movement from one point to another.” said Dr. William Weir.
However, this technology may come at a cost. The first tests of the device opened a gateway to what Dr Weir describes as “a horrifying alternate reality” in which earth is populated by humanoids who live in a world very much like ours, but with socialized health care, free college tuition, free childcare, fully funded Planned Parenthood-like institutions, and flying creatures whose bodies are seething masses of tentacles, each of which ends in either clusters of eyeballs, or mouths ringed with what appear to be needle-sharp teeth. Continue reading
The last horoscope we wrote was in July 2017. We know that the intervening year has been like something out of a Kafka novel, and we’re pretty sure it’s because we stopped offering the world our unassailable cosmic guidance. Without further ado, here’s your horoscope:
You might have picked up a copy of the Communist Manifesto, one that doesn’t have any footnotes (at least not from anybody other than Marx and Engels themselves) and been like, “who the hell are all these people they are referring to? None of this seems relevant to me. I have a smartphone!”
Well, those people were important movers and shakers, and you’d be wrong about thinking that we can’t draw any important conclusions about how to organize for socialism in the 21st century by learning from the mistakes of the past. Continue reading
Fans Immediately Blame Government For False Flag, Instead of Rage-Marinated Meat Based Diet
Alex Jones is Dead. Perhaps his greatest conspiracy yet.
Libertarian huckster and Trump-supporter Alex Jones, has died in an on-screen, mid-scream heart attack. Estranged from his family, he leaves no survivors, or anyone who thinks fondly of him, other than a few hundred semen-encrusted teenage libertarian boys who are confident that Obama did 9/11, and that the deep state is behind their leader’s sudden on-screen cardiac arrest, rather than his rage-infused meat-based diet. He was 44 years old. Continue reading
By Dynthia Shill
Do you wake up stunned at the news every morning and remember that we have white women to thank for putting Donald Trump in the White House?
The brute force of the 2016 election was a slap in the face, and like a January wind, its velocity is relentless. How did this happen? How should we deconstruct the bizarre choice that 52 percent of white women made to give the most powerful position on Earth to the guy famous mostly for abusing power?
There’s more to the story, but we have to scratch the veneer to get at it and it’s uncomfortable. Questions need to be asked. Continue reading
PORTLAND, ME — I climbed a mountain, but I’m still a shitty person. I posed for this photograph, and it looks like I am the pinnacle of triumph, like I’m living my best life, but I’m still a selfish child in an adult’s body, and I have no idea what I’m doing.