Workplace Pizza Party Used To Reveal Everyone Is Fired

PORTLAND, ME — A locally owned business and member of the “Portland Buy Local” business group held a pizza party for employees to inform them that the business is no longer sufficiently profitable and needs to fire everyone, effective immediately. Continue reading

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Fried for Breakfast

The crumpled up purple shirt in the bathroom looks like that thing I fried for breakfast this morning but couldn’t eat.

I lifted my back sideways but all I got was a shotgun blast to the fart.  I fart-died quickly and loudly.

You know, when my dad told me he was proud of me and my sister, his eyes dipped downwards quickly in the middle of his sentence.  I used to think he had weak eyes.

I couldn’t eat what I cooked for breakfast this morning, because my two fish looked at it once and said, “It’s too shiny; it will give you swine-flu for sure.”

I took another drag from my E-cig and I said, “Sure, fish.  Shore.”

God died a long time ago, but I still have fun.

“Anyone wanna go to the Barcade?  I once performed in drag there when it was a bone broth Wendy’s! Ha ha ha.”

Whose Idea Was This?

Who came up with this idea? How could a person even think of such a thing? There are at least a million things that someone could think of, and somehow they thought of this?

Was it you that thought of this idea? It definitely wasn’t me, I’m the one asking who it was that came up with this peculiar idea.

There I was minding my own business– when along came this unusual idea and I just had to ask, being the inquisitive person that I am, who exactly was it that came up with this idea?

I googled it, but nothing came up, so I think it is new, but I don’t know who, was it you?

Whose idea was this?

A Tale of Steven Handscomb

It’s a normal night here at the Empire Dine and Dance.  I’ve never seen this man before, but he emerges.  A Hall and Oates song starts playing, but I couldn’t tell you the name of it, or what the hook is until it gets to the chords.  The man is standing there with a bottle of brown liquor held tightly to his lips and tilted far above his head.  He is jerking quickly back and forth.  Not dancing, but… jerking.

Suddenly, I realize that the song is coming out of his butt.  His name is Steven Handscomb.

How do I know that?

I also know that he manages a moving company.  Where did he get that bottle?  I look at the bartender, who doesn’t seem to care.  He is gazing at Handscomb serenely.  He has only the slightest smile hung from his approving face.

As Steven jerks back and forth, he moves his stiffly-straight legs across the floor, like a spirograph pen skittering on top of a card table.  We are now halfway through the song, and I recognize its chorus.  A bird rubs its back on the window from outside.

I don’t come to the Empire Dine and Dance regularly, but I come here often enough to know that this slowly descending disco ball is new.  A middle aged woman in the corner is showered with Nickelodeon slime.  After a moment, she laughs with a shocked expression holding her lips apart.  The spring equinox will come in 54 days, I recall.

The song ends, and by this time, Steven Handscomb has grown a mustache.  We’ve all grown mustaches.  As I fumble through my purse, looking for a razor, I notice that Steven Hanscomb is missing.  He is gone like the winter, and gone like his song.  But he has made my dreams.

Come true.

A Deflated SUV Tire Reads the Weather Report for This Weekend

flat-tirePORTLAND, ME — His voice is a ragged, depressed grumble, slowly but rigorously relating the hazards to be expected in southern Maine this weekend.

“So as you’ve probably heard, we are expected to receive snowfall on Saturday until 5pm, up to 5 inches.  At least, that’s what I’ve heard most recently.  Not great weather to be driving in with a tire in a condition such as that of myself.  *Sigh*.”

“Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to remind you that your traction in the snow will be *wheeze* significantly improved by a quick trip to your local gas station to have your tires filled to their maximum PSI.” Continue reading