A Terrible King

Once upon a time, there was a terrible King. This terrible King would amuse his friends by torturing peasants he brought in to his court from the countryside.

His favorite form of torture was fooling peasants into torturing themselves.  The King and his court especially loved these sorts of games.

One day he brought in a man from the countryside with grand ambitions for wealth. Knowing this, the terrible King said to him, “I will give you 1/4th of my Kingdom if you allow us to cut off your hands.”

Said the peasant, “but without my hands, how will I work the land, feed myself, clothe myself?”

Said the King, “Fool! When you are rich like I, you’ll have servants to work the land, and to feed you and clothe you.”

“Ah yes, I see.” said the peasant. “Go ahead then,”

And so they cut off his hands.

Said the King, “ah, you’re now a wealthy man indeed!  But you could increase your wealth still!”

Said the peasant, “please King, tell me how?”

Said the King, “Ah, but if you will only allow us to remove your eyes and eat them, I will give you a full half of my kingdom!”

“But without my eyes, how shall I see where to go?” asked the peasant.

“Fool!” said the King. “When you are rich like me, you have servants who can see for you! My own eyes are dim and weak, and I have my servants describe to me what they can see and I cannot.’

Considering owning half the kingdom, the peasant king rolled the idea of doubling his wealth back and forth in his mind.

“Ah yes, well then.’ said the peasant. “Let’s go ahead with it.’

As soon as the peasant had agreed, a mystical looking device, gilded with gold, was brought out into the court.

“Just look into this device,” said the King, “and you shall soon be a very rich man indeed!”

The peasant leaned over the box, looked in, and the device snatched out his eyes.

“It is a great honor to be your equal, your honor.” said the peasant.

“Ah yes then!” said the King, “Dress this man in my finest robes! A man whose wealth equals my own, should look the part!”

Servants dressed the man in a robe made of rags, and placed on his head, a crown made of tin.

“If only you could see these fine accouterments…” said the King.

“Ah, yes, “said the peasant, “they seem to be quite nice.”

Said the King, “You are now a very wealthy man!  You are my equal, owning half of what was once my kingdom! But how would you like to increase this wealth still?”

Ever greedy, and thinking about how he could soon be even more rich than the King himself, the peasant said, “I would like that very much.”

“Ah yes, well, “said the King, “I have never tasted human tongue.  If you let me eat your tongue, I will give you 3/4ths of my kingdom.”

“But how will I call to my servants/” said the man.

“Simple,” said the King, “Once, I fell ill and lost my voice, so the court wizard created a device that allows me to project my thoughts to my servants, directly into their heads.”

The peasant man had never heard of such a thing, but did not want to seem a fool, so he said, “Ah yes,  let’s go ahead with it then.”

Another gilded wooden box was brought out to the court, with many mechanical devices within it.

“Just lean forwards into this device,” said the King.

And so the peasant man did. And the device cut out the peasant man’s tongue.

“Just to prove to you how well this thought transfer device works, imagine now the most glorious feast.’

“Ah yes, I see it now” the peasant attempted to say, but could not, as he had no tongue.

The King’s servants brought before the peasant a platter of hot garbage and cold cow feces.  The peasant ate all that was served to him, but could not taste, and continued to believe that this was a glorious feast of roasted meats, cheeses, fruits, and other delicious foods.

The King and his court did all they could to avoid laughing at the peasant as he ate garbage and feces.

“Ah! You are such a wealthy man now!’ said the King. “More wealthy than I!”

The peasant smiled, stupidly.

“I have long been King, but I have never eaten human ears before, and it’s such a taboo.  Surely you can help me sate this desire?”

The peasant jerked his head up and nodded, excited to rule the entire kingdom.

After his ears were removed, he was placed in a dungeon, where he had no hands with which to feel, no eyes to see, no tongue to speak, and no ears to hear. He thought he was a great and wealthy ruler of the kingdom, and died thinking so.

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Scientists Open Wormhole Revealing Horrifying Alternative Reality

PORTLAND, ME– An alternate dimension of reality has been glimpsed while testing on the first working prototype of a “gravity engine” at University of Southern Maine — which could potentially be used for interstellar travel.

  “The drive can potentially be used to travel faster than light.  But it doesn’t really travel faster than light.  What it does, is it creates creates a very small, stable black hole, which we can then use to manipulate stretch the fabric of spacetime.  It can punch a hole through the fabric of reality to link two points in space and time allowing for what appears to be instantaneous movement from one point to another.” said Dr. William Weir.

However, this technology may come at a cost.  The first tests of the device opened a gateway to what Dr Weir describes as “a horrifying alternate reality” in which earth is populated by humanoids who live in a world very much like ours, but with socialized health care, free college tuition, free childcare, fully funded Planned Parenthood-like institutions, and flying creatures whose bodies are seething masses of tentacles, each of which ends in either clusters of eyeballs, or mouths ringed with what appear to be needle-sharp teeth.

“From what we can tell from our experience looking through this window into this alternative reality, there are no vigilante men outside of their reproductive health clinics.  Female humanoids are able to drop their kids off at public daycare centers without paying any money, and parents are given 12 months of paid leave. The humanoids there seem to have no discernible systems of oppression based in class, gender, or race. The skies are filled with flying balls of tentacles, covered in hideous eyeballs and gnashing mouths.  It’s a terrifying alien hellscape, completely foriegn to anything we know in our own reality,” Dr Weir said.

Female graduate student Bethany Stanhope, assisting Dr. Weir on this project, didn’t fully share Dr Weirs thoughts.

“This version of reality is certainly very different from our own.  But from what we can tell these flying tentacle monsters just sort of float around and only eat people occasionally.  Women and people of color are able to pursue education, career, and family unimpeded by structural discrimination.  It actually seems like a pretty ideal version of reality compared with our own.”

Fried for Breakfast

The crumpled up purple shirt in the bathroom looks like that thing I fried for breakfast this morning but couldn’t eat.

I lifted my back sideways but all I got was a shotgun blast to the fart.  I fart-died quickly and loudly.

You know, when my dad told me he was proud of me and my sister, his eyes dipped downwards quickly in the middle of his sentence.  I used to think he had weak eyes.

I couldn’t eat what I cooked for breakfast this morning, because my two fish looked at it once and said, “It’s too shiny; it will give you swine-flu for sure.”

I took another drag from my E-cig and I said, “Sure, fish.  Shore.”

God died a long time ago, but I still have fun.

“Anyone wanna go to the Barcade?  I once performed in drag there when it was a bone broth Wendy’s! Ha ha ha.”

Whose Idea Was This?

Who came up with this idea? How could a person even think of such a thing? There are at least a million things that someone could think of, and somehow they thought of this?

Was it you that thought of this idea? It definitely wasn’t me, I’m the one asking who it was that came up with this peculiar idea.

There I was minding my own business– when along came this unusual idea and I just had to ask, being the inquisitive person that I am, who exactly was it that came up with this idea?

I googled it, but nothing came up, so I think it is new, but I don’t know who, was it you?

Whose idea was this?