New Study Suggests that People are Made out of Soylent Green

BAR HARBOR, ME — A new study released by the MDI Biological Laboratory in Bar Harbor, Maine, has suggested strong, preliminary evidence that human beings are made out of the very material that Soylent Green would be made of, were such a product to exist. Continue reading

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A Deflated SUV Tire Reads the Weather Report for This Weekend

flat-tirePORTLAND, ME — His voice is a ragged, depressed grumble, slowly but rigorously relating the hazards to be expected in southern Maine this weekend.

“So as you’ve probably heard, we are expected to receive snowfall on Saturday until 5pm, up to 5 inches.  At least, that’s what I’ve heard most recently.  Not great weather to be driving in with a tire in a condition such as that of myself.  *Sigh*.”

“Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to remind you that your traction in the snow will be *wheeze* significantly improved by a quick trip to your local gas station to have your tires filled to their maximum PSI.” Continue reading

Hannaford to Begin Selling In-House Rendered Lard

PORTLAND, ME — The Forest Avenue Hannaford in Portland has announced plans to serve its customers hand-wrapped bricks of porkfat lard, to be rendered from pigs slaughtered in-house, beginning this spring.  After this trial run, the supermarket chain plans to expand on the new service in all of its 189 locations throughout New England and upstate New York. Continue reading