PORTLAND, ME — I climbed a mountain, but I’m still a shitty person. I posed for this photograph, and it looks like I am the pinnacle of triumph, like I’m living my best life, but I’m still a selfish child in an adult’s body, and I have no idea what I’m doing.
They say that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and the owners of the Opium at the Danforth Inn are keen on putting that to the test. Continue reading
BAR HARBOR, ME — A new study released by the MDI Biological Laboratory in Bar Harbor, Maine, has suggested strong, preliminary evidence that human beings are made out of the very material that Soylent Green would be made of, were such a product to exist. Continue reading
PORTLAND, ME — In a West End apartment strewn with classified ads, sitcom DVDs, and cheater plugs, Kyle Masterson expresses disgust with how ungrounded his life, and apartment, both are. Continue reading
PORTLAND, ME — A locally owned business and member of the “Portland Buy Local” business group held a pizza party for employees to inform them that the business is no longer sufficiently profitable and needs to fire everyone, effective immediately. Continue reading
WASHINGTON DC — Donald Trump’s new education secretary told an interviewer she wanted to “help advance God’s kingdom” through the school system. Continue reading
Why is there a haunted floating jaw?
There is a jaw floating in the stationary aisle of Target. Why is it there? And why won’t anyone talk to me about it? Continue reading