Opium Owner: We didn’t name our bar ‘Heroin’— we named it after Heroin’s source

They say that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and the owners of the Opium at the Danforth Inn are keen on putting that to the test. Continue reading


New Study Suggests that People are Made out of Soylent Green

BAR HARBOR, ME — A new study released by the MDI Biological Laboratory in Bar Harbor, Maine, has suggested strong, preliminary evidence that human beings are made out of the very material that Soylent Green would be made of, were such a product to exist. Continue reading

Portland Man’s Life Is As Ungrounded as His Apartment

PORTLAND, ME — In a West End apartment strewn with classified ads, sitcom DVDs, and cheater plugs, Kyle Masterson expresses disgust with how ungrounded his life, and apartment, both are. Continue reading


Workplace Pizza Party Used To Reveal Everyone Is Fired

PORTLAND, ME — A locally owned business and member of the “Portland Buy Local” business group held a pizza party for employees to inform them that the business is no longer sufficiently profitable and needs to fire everyone, effective immediately. Continue reading


Education Secretary Betsy DeVos Wants to ‘Advance God’s Kingdom’ Through US School System

WASHINGTON DC — Donald Trump’s new education secretary told an interviewer she wanted to “help advance God’s kingdom” through the school system. Continue reading


Why Is There a Haunted Floating Jaw In The Stationary Aisle at Target?

target-aisleWhy is there a haunted floating jaw?

There is a jaw floating in the stationary aisle of Target.  Why is it there? And why won’t anyone talk to me about it? Continue reading


A Deflated SUV Tire Reads the Weather Report for This Weekend

flat-tirePORTLAND, ME — His voice is a ragged, depressed grumble, slowly but rigorously relating the hazards to be expected in southern Maine this weekend.

“So as you’ve probably heard, we are expected to receive snowfall on Saturday until 5pm, up to 5 inches.  At least, that’s what I’ve heard most recently.  Not great weather to be driving in with a tire in a condition such as that of myself.  *Sigh*.”

“Perhaps this would be a good opportunity to remind you that your traction in the snow will be *wheeze* significantly improved by a quick trip to your local gas station to have your tires filled to their maximum PSI.” Continue reading