Let’s step inside for a closer look:
SATAN’S ASSHOLE, ME — Record high temperatures are becoming almost passe as climate change drives disruption to our planet’s weather patterns, and Satan’s Asshole is no exception. Satan’s Asshole is an unincorporated gore just outside of Augusta that Dale Brown and his sister Gail call home, where they rent a room at the Polyp Inn, a small hotel famously owned by Donald Trump in the 1990s. Dale was drenched in sweat. Continue reading
THE INTERNET — Senior Research Scientists at the World Headquarters of the Internet say, in a press conference today, that the internet is almost full, and will need to be abandoned.
“The internet is just so totally full. Like, there’s not room for even one more thing in the internet.” says senior research scientist, Dr. Xavier Vesperto. “Soon, we will have to abandon the internet entirely, and move on to something else.”
World Headquarters of The Internet spokeswoman, Carleena Trembly, postulated ideas about what sorts of things could be found in the new internet, internet v3.0.
“We all know that internet 1.0 was a basic file-sharing system, internet 2.0 was social media, it’s time to abandon these completed and filled things, and move on to something new, but it’s not clear what this ‘internet of things’ will look like.” said Dr. Trembly.
“We could imagine a future internet where instead of clicking ‘like’ on things our friends post, we might instead invite friends over to our actual homes, and laugh whimsical things that they have to say. Memes may eventually become actual cats. Emails could just be a nice breeze on a summer day while sitting in a hammock and sipping iced tea. Soylent Green, will be people. It’s impossible to know what the post-internet v2.0 future will be like, but we are about to find out.”
WASHINGTON DC — The latest development in the Muller investigation revealed today that Russian Hackers are responsible for the GOP’s ongoing fight against voting rights legislation. Russian Hackers were also found to be suspected to be behind the GOP’s voter roll purges, mostly of black and brown people, and low-income white people, going all the way back to the 2000 election of George W Bush. Continue reading
Fans Immediately Blame Government For False Flag, Instead of Rage-Marinated Meat Based Diet
Alex Jones is Dead. Perhaps his greatest conspiracy yet.
Libertarian huckster and Trump-supporter Alex Jones, has died in an on-screen, mid-scream heart attack. Estranged from his family, he leaves no survivors, or anyone who thinks fondly of him, other than a few hundred semen-encrusted teenage libertarian boys who are confident that Obama did 9/11, and that the deep state is behind their leader’s sudden on-screen cardiac arrest, rather than his rage-infused meat-based diet. He was 44 years old. Continue reading
By Dynthia Shill
Do you wake up stunned at the news every morning and remember that we have white women to thank for putting Donald Trump in the White House?
The brute force of the 2016 election was a slap in the face, and like a January wind, its velocity is relentless. How did this happen? How should we deconstruct the bizarre choice that 52 percent of white women made to give the most powerful position on Earth to the guy famous mostly for abusing power?
There’s more to the story, but we have to scratch the veneer to get at it and it’s uncomfortable. Questions need to be asked. Continue reading
PORTLAND, ME — I climbed a mountain, but I’m still a shitty person. I posed for this photograph, and it looks like I am the pinnacle of triumph, like I’m living my best life, but I’m still a selfish child in an adult’s body, and I have no idea what I’m doing.
They say that there’s no such thing as bad publicity, and the owners of the Opium at the Danforth Inn are keen on putting that to the test. Continue reading