Horoscope for November 2016

Aries: Do you brine it?  Or do you boil it in the salt water?  I think if you boil a chicken, you can rip it apart so it shreds, and you boil it in the salt water, and it is salty and delicious.

Taurus: If you cook a bird in a crock pot it’s way better.  You could boil it, but would you make oatmeal out of cheerios?

Gemini: Are you suggesting that you could boil cheerios, and make oatmeal, and look at myself in the goddamned mirror, as a grown man of 30, as a grown man who is a woman, and also has the voice of a little kid?

Cancer: Rush Limbaugh’s soft shitty body is a windmill full of corpses.

Leo: German dungeon porn is the great depression.

Virgo: The world’s greatest squid restaurant.  It’s your destiny to found a restaurant called “exsquidsite” because you are the only one who have the knowledge to found a restaurant based on the best way to cook squid using a toaster oven.

Libra: Every round, place one white card in a pile, this pile belongs to Rando.  If Rando wins the game, you will all go home in a pile of shame.

Scorpio: Did you know what you did last summer?

Sagittarius: Tomorrow at brunch, you will realize that your pancakes taste like poppers.  You will announce this out loud and embarrass yourself amongst your friends.

Capricorn: I normally wouldn’t shame somebody for doing a drug, but come on, god damn it.

Aquarius: The purple of this candy is the shit, and I don’t know why.  It’s so good.

Pisces: You should put a shirt on.