The last horoscope we wrote was in July 2017. We know that the intervening year has been like something out of a Kafka novel, and we’re pretty sure it’s because we stopped offering the world our unassailable cosmic guidance. Without further ado, here’s your horoscope:
People say that the planets can’t affect our lives, but the moon affects the ocean, and our body is mostly water, right? With that in mind, here’s your horoscope. Continue reading
It’s june! Time for June bugs! And summer love! And some fucking great horoscopes that will help you solve all your problems using… uh, science or something. Continue reading
May 1st is international workers day! Unless you were born rich, chances are, you’re a worker like the rest of us. Work is important. Everything the economy needs is provided by workers. It’s said that if you enjoy your job, you’ll never work a day in your life. If you don’t enjoy your job, you should end the class war by winning it. Use this month’s horoscope to figure out how to find meaningful work in your life. Continue reading
Aries: Do you brine it? Or do you boil it in the salt water? I think if you boil a chicken, you can rip it apart so it shreds, and you boil it in the salt water, and it is salty and delicious.
Taurus: If you cook a bird in a crock pot it’s way better. You could boil it, but would you make oatmeal out of cheerios?
Gemini: Are you suggesting that you could boil cheerios, and make oatmeal, and look at myself in the goddamned mirror, as a grown man of 30, as a grown man who is a woman, and also has the voice of a little kid?
Cancer: Rush Limbaugh’s soft shitty body is a windmill full of corpses.
Leo: German dungeon porn is the great depression.
Virgo: The world’s greatest squid restaurant. It’s your destiny to found a restaurant called “exsquidsite” because you are the only one who have the knowledge to found a restaurant based on the best way to cook squid using a toaster oven.
Libra: Every round, place one white card in a pile, this pile belongs to Rando. If Rando wins the game, you will all go home in a pile of shame.
Scorpio: Did you know what you did last summer?
Sagittarius: Tomorrow at brunch, you will realize that your pancakes taste like poppers. You will announce this out loud and embarrass yourself amongst your friends.
Capricorn: I normally wouldn’t shame somebody for doing a drug, but come on, god damn it.
Aquarius: The purple of this candy is the shit, and I don’t know why. It’s so good.
Pisces: You should put a shirt on.
We’ve looked at the stars, studied them carefully, and figured out what you need to know for August 2016. Continue reading