Let’s step inside for a closer look:
SATAN’S ASSHOLE, ME — Record high temperatures are becoming almost passe as climate change drives disruption to our planet’s weather patterns, and Satan’s Asshole is no exception. Satan’s Asshole is an unincorporated gore just outside of Augusta that Dale Brown and his sister Gail call home, where they rent a room at the Polyp Inn, a small hotel famously owned by Donald Trump in the 1990s. Dale was drenched in sweat. Continue reading
Once upon a time, there was a terrible King. This terrible King would amuse his friends by torturing peasants he brought in to his court from the countryside.
His favorite form of torture was fooling peasants into torturing themselves. The King and his court especially loved these sorts of games. Continue reading
It would seem in light of our treatment by our captors, that we have lost our humanity.
They tell us over and over that we are dogs. They kick us, like dogs. They shoot us like dogs. And up until now, we have been all too willing to play the role of a dog. We cower and lick their boots, in the hopes that they will spare us their abuse. But I have news for you, they aren’t going to spare any of us, we’re all going to be killed and thrown in a ditch. Continue reading
THE INTERNET — Senior Research Scientists at the World Headquarters of the Internet say, in a press conference today, that the internet is almost full, and will need to be abandoned.
“The internet is just so totally full. Like, there’s not room for even one more thing in the internet.” says senior research scientist, Dr. Xavier Vesperto. “Soon, we will have to abandon the internet entirely, and move on to something else.” Continue reading
WASHINGTON DC — The latest development in the Muller investigation revealed today that Russian Hackers are responsible for the GOP’s ongoing fight against voting rights legislation. Russian Hackers were also found to be suspected to be behind the GOP’s voter roll purges, mostly of black and brown people, and low-income white people, going all the way back to the 2000 election of George W Bush. Continue reading
Are Hotdogs America’s second sandwich? Nobody knows. Here’s your horoscope: Continue reading
It’s friday afternoon or morning. I can’t tell because I only work two days, five times a month.
I’m on my daily three hour jog around the Eastern Prom trail. My knees don’t hurt this time, because I had kale and Greek yogurt at my last lunch. Continue reading