WASHINGTON DC — The latest development in the Muller investigation revealed today that Russian Hackers are responsible for the GOP’s ongoing fight against voting rights legislation. Russian Hackers were also found to be suspected to be behind the GOP’s voter roll purges, mostly of black and brown people, and low-income white people, going all the way back to the 2000 election of George W Bush. Continue reading
Are Hotdogs America’s second sandwich? Nobody knows. Here’s your horoscope: Continue reading
It’s friday afternoon or morning. I can’t tell because I only work two days, five times a month.
I’m on my daily three hour jog around the Eastern Prom trail. My knees don’t hurt this time, because I had kale and Greek yogurt at my last lunch.
In a fit of caprice, I find myself gliding down the newly constructed Bayside trail on the well-oiled engine of my perfect knees. On Anderson Street, I spot a new brewery that opened up this morning. My knees and their caprice instinctively carry me towards it. The sign reads “Five Guys Diners and Dives” and I laugh, even though no one is there to hear me. I decide to go inside to sample one of their ales, or lagers. I can’t recall which is the good one.
But inside, instead of seeing a group of motivated young bearded men serving well-hopped alcohol, I see only my friends and family, sitting at a hand-crafted wooden table. Everyone is on only one side of the table, like in the famous painting. But this isn’t necessary, because I know what the backs of my friends and family look like. They frame the astonishing and disorienting visage of Steven Handscomb, who is seated immaculately at the center of the far side of the table.
“Have a seat on your side of the table,” He requests. There is plenty of room to slide from side to side on one of our locally-sourced rolling chairs.” Without hesitation, I take a seat at the table opposite of my friends, family, and the most enigmatic wood sprite in the great state of Portland, Maine, Steven Handscomb. Glasses and mountains of bagels crowd the table suddenly. I say ‘suddenly’ only to denote an amount of time that cannot be measured by celestial durations.
Steven Handscomb officiates what will be the most important ceremony of this trimester. The sweat that I earned on my jog beads up around the erect hairs of my neck. Steven continues to proclaim his wishes.
“Drink of this wine and Moxie cocktail. This is my blood. Take these bagels from a restaurant called 158. They are my butt. Eat of my butt; drink of blood: and you shall find eternal relief from dry rot in your terrible apartments. Only through the Lord, my Aunt, may you find this immanent spirit.”
Globbing the contents of my plate and goblet hard, I look up only to focus on the next words that come from Handscomb’s mouth. “I got a start-up idea,” he exclaims with thunderous vivacity. “I want to sell you German-engineered, hand baked Toblerones for $400 dollars. Not these new mass produced toblerones with less chocolate that you see at generic stores, but artisanal, hand-chopped, hyper-local, artisanal Toblerone chocolate mountains.”
Everyone seated, including your truly, closes their mouths out of politeness: drooling is an abomination to Steven Handscomb, I deduce intuitively.
PORTLAND, ME– An alternate dimension of reality has been glimpsed while testing on the first working prototype of a “gravity engine” at University of Southern Maine — which could potentially be used for interstellar travel.
“The drive can potentially be used to travel faster than light. But it doesn’t really travel faster than light. What it does, is it creates creates a very small, stable black hole, which we can then use to manipulate stretch the fabric of spacetime. It can punch a hole through the fabric of reality to link two points in space and time allowing for what appears to be instantaneous movement from one point to another.” said Dr. William Weir.
However, this technology may come at a cost. The first tests of the device opened a gateway to what Dr Weir describes as “a horrifying alternate reality” in which earth is populated by humanoids who live in a world very much like ours, but with socialized health care, free college tuition, free childcare, fully funded Planned Parenthood-like institutions, and flying creatures whose bodies are seething masses of tentacles, each of which ends in either clusters of eyeballs, or mouths ringed with what appear to be needle-sharp teeth.
“From what we can tell from our experience looking through this window into this alternative reality, there are no vigilante men outside of their reproductive health clinics. Female humanoids are able to drop their kids off at public daycare centers without paying any money, and parents are given 12 months of paid leave. The humanoids there seem to have no discernible systems of oppression based in class, gender, or race. The skies are filled with flying balls of tentacles, covered in hideous eyeballs and gnashing mouths. It’s a terrifying alien hellscape, completely foriegn to anything we know in our own reality,” Dr Weir said.
Female graduate student Bethany Stanhope, assisting Dr. Weir on this project, didn’t fully share Dr Weirs thoughts.
“This version of reality is certainly very different from our own. But from what we can tell these flying tentacle monsters just sort of float around and only eat people occasionally. Women and people of color are able to pursue education, career, and family unimpeded by structural discrimination. It actually seems like a pretty ideal version of reality compared with our own.”
The last horoscope we wrote was in July 2017. We know that the intervening year has been like something out of a Kafka novel, and we’re pretty sure it’s because we stopped offering the world our unassailable cosmic guidance. Without further ado, here’s your horoscope:
You might have picked up a copy of the Communist Manifesto, one that doesn’t have any footnotes (at least not from anybody other than Marx and Engels themselves) and been like, “who the hell are all these people they are referring to? None of this seems relevant to me. I have a smartphone!”
Well, those people were important movers and shakers, and you’d be wrong about thinking that we can’t draw any important conclusions about how to organize for socialism in the 21st century by learning from the mistakes of the past.
But so what? Going back and researching who those people are is boring. And unless you are a total nerd who knows all about pop culture references of the mid-1800s, you’re not going to get any of the jokes or understand any of the sick burns that Marx and Engels make against the politicians and theorists of their time. And your smartphone is pretty neat [and maybe you could use it to look up those references you don’t understand, eh?]
But seriously though, none of that means that the fundamental principles of a Marxism are any less valid today. It’s a valuable thing to understand what Marx was getting at.
“But reading this boring old pamphlet is so boring!” you might say.
And you’re right. While worthwhile, reading the Manifesto, even though isn’t only a couple dozen pages long, is still kind of a slog.
Enter, Socialism… seriously: a brief guide to human liberation by Danny Katch.
Whether this was his intent or not, Katch manages to update the basic message of the Communist Manifesto (capitalism is terrible, here’s why, and here’s how to change it), and puts it in easy to understand language that’s readily accessible to just about anybody today.
And not only that, it’s funny. Like, really funny. Well, okay, it’s not all funny, some parts are deadly serious, but then, so is the situation we find ourselves in right now, with a dying biosphere, bigoted cheeto for a president, and not much hope being offered from the Democratic Party (who are also a capitalist party, and have many of the same donors as the GOP).
Socialism… seriously lights the way, and brightens the mood, which is much needed in these dark times.
Fans Immediately Blame Government For False Flag, Instead of Rage-Marinated Meat Based Diet
Libertarian huckster and Trump-supporter Alex Jones, has died in an on-screen, mid-scream heart attack. Estranged from his family, he leaves no survivors, or anyone who thinks fondly of him, other than a few hundred semen-encrusted teenage libertarian boys who are confident that Obama did 9/11, and that the deep state is behind their leader’s sudden on-screen cardiac arrest, rather than his rage-infused meat-based diet. He was 44 years old. Continue reading