It’s weird kid Christmas! Let’s get spooky! Continue reading
The election is coming up. This is the most important election. Just like all the other elections. You better vote this time, and don’t try to get sneaky this time with some sort of progressive third party candidate trying to build power outside of the two capitalist parties. The purity police will find you. Continue reading
I wrote you a poem based on the search term “Satan’s Asshole” using Yahoo! Search and the recommended search terms Yahoo! provided.
Satan’s Asshole: Best Gas Grills
Satan’s Asshole: Affordable Cigar Humidors
Satan’s Asshole: Huge Deals on Bose Speakers
Satan’s Asshole: Order your fire extinguisher now!
Satan’s Asshole: Great Swimsuit Styles
Satan’s Asshole: Gift baskets for every occasion
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Let’s step inside for a closer look:
SATAN’S ASSHOLE, ME — Record high temperatures are becoming almost passe as climate change drives disruption to our planet’s weather patterns, and Satan’s Asshole is no exception. Satan’s Asshole is an unincorporated gore just outside of Augusta that Dale Brown and his sister Gail call home, where they rent a room at the Polyp Inn, a small hotel famously owned by Donald Trump in the 1990s. Dale was drenched in sweat. Continue reading
Once upon a time, there was a terrible King. This terrible King would amuse his friends by torturing peasants he brought in to his court from the countryside.
His favorite form of torture was fooling peasants into torturing themselves. The King and his court especially loved these sorts of games.
One day he brought in a man from the countryside with grand ambitions for wealth. Knowing this, the terrible King said to him, “I will give you 1/4th of my Kingdom if you allow us to cut off your hands.”
Said the peasant, “but without my hands, how will I work the land, feed myself, clothe myself?”
Said the King, “Fool! When you are rich like I, you’ll have servants to work the land, and to feed you and clothe you.”
“Ah yes, I see.” said the peasant. “Go ahead then,”
And so they cut off his hands.
Said the King, “ah, you’re now a wealthy man indeed! But you could increase your wealth still!”
Said the peasant, “please King, tell me how?”
Said the King, “Ah, but if you will only allow us to remove your eyes and eat them, I will give you a full half of my kingdom!”
“But without my eyes, how shall I see where to go?” asked the peasant.
“Fool!” said the King. “When you are rich like me, you have servants who can see for you! My own eyes are dim and weak, and I have my servants describe to me what they can see and I cannot.’
Considering owning half the kingdom, the peasant king rolled the idea of doubling his wealth back and forth in his mind.
“Ah yes, well then.’ said the peasant. “Let’s go ahead with it.’
As soon as the peasant had agreed, a mystical looking device, gilded with gold, was brought out into the court.
“Just look into this device,” said the King, “and you shall soon be a very rich man indeed!”
The peasant leaned over the box, looked in, and the device snatched out his eyes.
“It is a great honor to be your equal, your honor.” said the peasant.
“Ah yes then!” said the King, “Dress this man in my finest robes! A man whose wealth equals my own, should look the part!”
Servants dressed the man in a robe made of rags, and placed on his head, a crown made of tin.
“If only you could see these fine accouterments…” said the King.
“Ah, yes, “said the peasant, “they seem to be quite nice.”
Said the King, “You are now a very wealthy man! You are my equal, owning half of what was once my kingdom! But how would you like to increase this wealth still?”
Ever greedy, and thinking about how he could soon be even more rich than the King himself, the peasant said, “I would like that very much.”
“Ah yes, well, “said the King, “I have never tasted human tongue. If you let me eat your tongue, I will give you 3/4ths of my kingdom.”
“But how will I call to my servants/” said the man.
“Simple,” said the King, “Once, I fell ill and lost my voice, so the court wizard created a device that allows me to project my thoughts to my servants, directly into their heads.”
The peasant man had never heard of such a thing, but did not want to seem a fool, so he said, “Ah yes, let’s go ahead with it then.”
Another gilded wooden box was brought out to the court, with many mechanical devices within it.
“Just lean forwards into this device,” said the King.
And so the peasant man did. And the device cut out the peasant man’s tongue.
“Just to prove to you how well this thought transfer device works, imagine now the most glorious feast.’
“Ah yes, I see it now” the peasant attempted to say, but could not, as he had no tongue.
The King’s servants brought before the peasant a platter of hot garbage and cold cow feces. The peasant ate all that was served to him, but could not taste, and continued to believe that this was a glorious feast of roasted meats, cheeses, fruits, and other delicious foods.
The King and his court did all they could to avoid laughing at the peasant as he ate garbage and feces.
“Ah! You are such a wealthy man now!’ said the King. “More wealthy than I!”
The peasant smiled, stupidly.
“I have long been King, but I have never eaten human ears before, and it’s such a taboo. Surely you can help me sate this desire?”
The peasant jerked his head up and nodded, excited to rule the entire kingdom.
After his ears were removed, he was placed in a dungeon, where he had no hands with which to feel, no eyes to see, no tongue to speak, and no ears to hear. He thought he was a great and wealthy ruler of the kingdom, and died thinking so.
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It would seem in light of our treatment by our captors, that we have lost our humanity.
They tell us over and over that we are dogs. They kick us, like dogs. They shoot us like dogs. And up until now, we have been all too willing to play the role of a dog. We cower and lick their boots, in the hopes that they will spare us their abuse. But I have news for you, they aren’t going to spare any of us, we’re all going to be killed and thrown in a ditch. Continue reading
THE INTERNET — Senior Research Scientists at the World Headquarters of the Internet say, in a press conference today, that the internet is almost full, and will need to be abandoned.
“The internet is just so totally full. Like, there’s not room for even one more thing in the internet.” says senior research scientist, Dr. Xavier Vesperto. “Soon, we will have to abandon the internet entirely, and move on to something else.”
World Headquarters of The Internet spokeswoman, Carleena Trembly, postulated ideas about what sorts of things could be found in the new internet, internet v3.0.
“We all know that internet 1.0 was a basic file-sharing system, internet 2.0 was social media, it’s time to abandon these completed and filled things, and move on to something new, but it’s not clear what this ‘internet of things’ will look like.” said Dr. Trembly.
“We could imagine a future internet where instead of clicking ‘like’ on things our friends post, we might instead invite friends over to our actual homes, and laugh whimsical things that they have to say. Memes may eventually become actual cats. Emails could just be a nice breeze on a summer day while sitting in a hammock and sipping iced tea. Soylent Green, will be people. It’s impossible to know what the post-internet v2.0 future will be like, but we are about to find out.”