It’s weird kid Christmas! Let’s get spooky!
Aries: A lot of your parts of your body will produce something if you provoke it enough. I mean you could like, pinch your arm or whatever and produce milk from a mole or something. If you suck on any nipple, eventually it will produce milk. My nipple is producing milk right now, it took only like three tugs. I don’t want to pierce anything.
Taurus: Richard Nixon had a tattoo of Richard Nixon coming out of his waistband, coming up out of his underpants, like he’s a tricky dick. The Black Panther Party named him tricky dick.
Gemini: That one band you like has been around since the Bush Era™.
Cancer: Your ex just wanted you to shave the handlebar mustache. That’s all.
Leo: In your seventh dimension, it’s fucked up, you have to clean up all the vomit poop, and poop vomit. Yeah. Let’s go to Macy’s.
Virgo: The ghosts from the past. NO! Something better than that! The ghosts! From the FUTURE. Your own ghost. It’s haunting you. You are being haunted by your own ghost. It is the plans you make.
Libra: If you play a show in Ohio, at least two bands will play a song about Ohio.
Scorpio: Tom Kenny would one day go on to become SpongeBob. That could be you. Keep trying. Become your best SpongeBob.
Sagittarius: Punx not dead! Punx not dead! Punx not dezd! YAHHAHAHAHAH
Capricorn: Ég trúi ekki á neitt. Að lokum deyjum við öll. Sætur. Verður þú að fara að vinna þegar þú ert dauður? Nei. Þú gerir það ekki. Þú ert dauður.
Aquarius: You have been having a lot of sex dreams about Marilyn Manson from the 1990s. He is laying down, fully naked, and you are laying on him, fully naked, but you are worried that because you haven’t been shaving your genitalia, he will notice the freshly grown hair on your genitals brushing his buttocks.
Pisces: Today at a 7-11, you will realize that there is no ethical junk food under capitalism.