Horoscope September 2018

The election is coming up.  This is the most important election.  Just like all the other elections.  You better vote this time, and don’t try to get sneaky this time with some sort of progressive third party candidate trying to build power outside of the two capitalist parties.  The purity police will find you.

Aries: You really have to install Linux on a new laptop to know how powerful it is.  Installing Windows is like raising your kid as a conservative.  It completely stunts their emotional and intellectual development and prevents them from understanding things that are outside their immediate surroundings.

Taurus: Don’t worry, your breath smells fine.  Your personality, however, could use some work.

 Gemini: Fortnight.  Fortnight.  Fortnight. Fortnight.  Fortnight.  Fortnight. Fortnight.  Fortnight.  Fortnight. Fortnight. Fortnight. Fortnight. Fortnight. Fortnight.

Cancer: They are starting to prove that water has memory.  It remembers medicine but forgets all the poo it’s had in it.

Leo: What ever happened to Nu Metal?  Like that one band that opened for Slipknot?  What were they called? Mudvayne?  What ever happened to them.  They were like, demons or something, but then they were all aliens, I think.  Man the 90s were so fucking weird.

Virgo: You should use this month to work out twice a week and really get into shape.  A weird shape.  Get really angular, with all sorts of acute angles, like a porcupine.

Libra: Porcupines, if you think about it, they’re like a spikey raccoon.  It’s like, it’s a fuckin raccoon, but he’s a spikey guy.  Like a fuckin Freddy Kruger raccoon or some shit.

Scorpio: I saw Mars Attacks with a friend when I was a kid, my friend, you know, his parents took him to PG-13 movies.  It’s like that right?

Sagittarius: Have some fucking respect for the creative process, eh?  Jesus fucking a Christ, we’re not going to watch a movie right now, we’re going to focus on what we gotta get done.

Capricorn: Exciting new flavor from Capri-Sun!

Aquarius: Every summer, I get a deep urge within me to find the blond boys from the villain movies of the 1980s, like Cobra Kai, the evil ones, they are deep.  It’s a deep sexual thing.  But like, it’s, I don’t know.  I guess that’s the only thing I can say.

Pisces: I believe that if you ride your BMX bike hard enough, you will come across them, in, I don’t know, would you say, the football field of some high school.  I don’t know.  I guess that sounds perverted. Maybe not.

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