Are Hotdogs America’s second sandwich? Nobody knows. Here’s your horoscope:
Aries: I think going for a poop joke, is an easy laugh, but nobody really respects you for it.
Taurus: If you drink one more Red Bull today, you are going to die, frothing at the mouth, contorted, twisting, heaving in a pile on the floor of your bosses’ office, as you shit yourself to death.
Gemini: That block of wood, contains the rambunctious soul of a little boy. Quickly use your woodcrafting skills, to free this little boy who has been trapped inside of the soul of a log. Surely this was done vile fay magic.
Cancer: Fill that void in your life by playing whack-a-mole for 17 hours straight.
Leo: Bill Nye the Science Guy has done more than you ever will. Sorry to be a bit rude and in your face, but you really need to be taken down a few notches. I hope Bill Nye gets upset at this Horoscope and scientifically debunks our whole website. Be prepared to defend yourself existentially and ontologically. Bill Nye is coming.
Virgo: You are going to say something on twitter that is super racist, while on Ambien (and a couple of JDs (that means Jack Daniels)). You are going to be fired and replaced by somebody who looks like you, but who is a less racist version of you. It’s a good thing. You are going to wish that you never became an asshole—or that you made being an asshole your whole brand.
Libra: A proprietary symbol system? Really Microsoft? That’s the fucking dumbest thing I’ve fucking heard of. Unicode is fine, why fuck with it? I can’t tell if Bill Gates is the Ronald Reagan of the tech world, or if he’s the Joker. What a shit-eating biscuit-head.
Scorpio: Again, not impressed with the tail there bub. You a fuckin bug there guy. My foot, your fuckin tail, aight? I ain’t afraid to get stung. I wanted to get fucked up tonight. Somebody throw me a bocce ba ba ba ba ba ba…..
Sagittarius: It’s a race to the bottom! There’s money at the bottom!
Aquarius: All of existence is just a lie, we fight with each other while we wait to die. That’s right, we’re on a fucked up cruise, God is dead, but at least we have booze. Bad things happen, no one knows why, the sun burns out, and everyone dies.
Pisces: One day you will look like an androgynous version of your grandma or grandpa. So don’t ever say that you didn’t contribute anything to this world.