It’s june! Time for June bugs! And summer love! And some fucking great horoscopes that will help you solve all your problems using… uh, science or something.
Aries: It’s too late to get your garden in at this point. You’re always running behind with everything. Why is that? It’s because you were eaten by a time parasite and were transported back in time 75 years so that they could feast on your future timeline. Nothing can be done at this point other than build a new life for yourself from scratch. Bonus opportunity: if you play your cards right, you can become your own grandparent.
Taurus: June is a perfect time of year to take a walk in the woods, listen to the birds, quit your job, dip into your savings and buy a van and a bunch of canned food, drive to Alaska, live off the fat of the land, go foraging for mushrooms, and die of dysentery.
Gemini: As summer is ramping up and all your friends are getting ready to relax at spas in tropical destination resorts, you’re feeling more stressed out than ever before. Well, it turns out that Benadryl is an appropriate substitute for psychiatric medicine. Just take it in place of whatever you should be taking instead. Also it can help with hayfever.
Cancer: You will clean out your sock drawer and find a small cube. Inside of this cube, the secrets of the universe are contained. You will open the cube to get at the secrets, but your mind will be destroyed by the vastness of the infinite void. I’d advise you just place it back in the sock drawer and never look back.
Leo: Have you ever considered using crystals to cure your cancer? They totally won’t work, but they might make you feel better, and that’s something. I mean, placebo effect has some serious limits, but y’know, blowing hundreds of dollars on some rocks is probably a worthwhile way to spend your money, it’s not like you can afford actual healthcare.
Virgo: As somebody newly diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you know that the illness isn’t that you just wash your hands a lot or turn light switches on and off a bunch of times, but that you have persistent intrusive thoughts that you are afraid will come to fruition despite how badly you don’t want them to happen. Your biggest fear is that you might soon be able to resist the overwhelming urge you have to spend your day not killing your pets. This month, your urges not to kill them will win.
Libra: Libras are found on the savannas from Sudan to northern parts of Zimbabwe in eastern africa.
Scorpio: As a scorpio, people are drawn to how interesting and deep you are, but everybody hates how frivolous and uninteresting you can be sometimes. You’re a water sign, which is why you have to pee right now. You didn’t know you had to pee, did you? Oh, and now you’ve already peed, right in your brand new clothes. How embarrasing for you, Scorpio!
Sagittarius: This is a good month to bet on the lottery. Your lucky numbers are 10, 7, 81, 92, 11, 43, and you better give me a cut of the winnings. I know where you live, and you owe me money, goddamnit.
Capricorn: Have you ever considered taking up worshiping Satan? I mean, it probably couldn’t hurt, it’s not like any of this religious shit is real. Besides that Satan is the bringing of light, knowledge, and music. Hail Satan! They say that the greatest trick Satan ever played on humanity was convincing us he wasn’t real, but I’d say the opposite is true of God.
Aquarius: It’s the dawning of the age when you should finally do the fucking dishes, you fucking moocher.
Pisces: Have you ever tried getting really really stoned, and then just sitting still and not thinking about anything? Of course you have. Isn’t that a great feeling? Just stop doing it at work.