PORTLAND, ME — A locally owned business and member of the “Portland Buy Local” business group held a pizza party for employees to inform them that the business is no longer sufficiently profitable and needs to fire everyone, effective immediately.
“We’ve chosen the last day of the month to inform our employees of this decision, because it allows us to cancel their health insurance, effective at midnight tonight, which eliminates any further financial obligations,” said management. “It’s the most sensible business decision we could make.”
This decision marks the end of an era. Said one employee, “I’ve been working here since this place opened in the 1970s, and I’m 4 years from retirement now. It was really nice of the owner to throw this pizza party as a send off for all of us. I’m really quite grateful.”
The pizzas were a combination of plain cheese, and pepperoni, and were purchased from a pizzeria that is also part of the “Portland Buy Local” business group. The order included a small order of wings, for the owner, and a 2 liter bottle of Coca Cola, which was shared amongst the 6 employees.
The owner will continue to collect monthly installments of his annual salary of $60,000/yr from the business account for the remainder of the fiscal year.