Portland Man’s Life Is As Ungrounded as His Apartment

PORTLAND, ME — In a West End apartment strewn with classified ads, sitcom DVDs, and cheater plugs, Kyle Masterson expresses disgust with how ungrounded his life, and apartment, both are.

“Maybe it’s this city,” Masterson commented while gesturing out the shrink-wrapped single-pane window in his run down apartment with slanted and uneven floors.   “I feel like I just don’t have enough outlets,” said Masterson.

Having graduated with a degree in Management from USM six years ago, Kyle has found himself drifting between dead end jobs which seem to lead nowhere.

“Maybe this town just doesn’t have the capacity to support a grounded lifestyle. I could use a break from my current situation before I– pardon the pun– blow a fuse.”

Just as he said that, his toaster oven, cooking a lonely pepperoni pizza stuffed Hot Pocket, did just that, and the lights in the kitchen went out.

“It’s ironic. I have a degree in management but I can’t even manage to not blow a circuit when I’m making breakfast in my kitchen.  I guess electric tea kettles weren’t around when they re-wired this apartment 5 years ago,” he said in an interview this past Tuesday.

Masterson’s love life has also suffered, having moved from one relationship to another.

“I haven’t been able to find that spark. I just don’t know what I want in a relationship.  If the perfect woman came knocking at my door, I probably wouldn’t even know it.  That’s probably because my doorbell is broken.”

Masterson’s apartment has caused tensions with his friends.  “There’s been a real disconnect between us ever since a few friends, who sing in bands, got shocked by an SM-57 at a house show that I had put on.”

“What’s really funny to me about my life,” Masterson adds in a defeated tone, “is that my house is literally ungrounded.  I live here on the third floor but there is no first or second floors beneath me.  It’s like a cruel joke played on me by my landlady.”

When we contacted his landlady Mrs. Yaga, she claimed that the apartment lacked two first floors when she purchased the property from Schneider Management five years ago, and disputed Masterson’s claim regarding the doorbell’s functionality.  Following her comments, she abruptly flew away in a large stone bowl.

When asked if he had contacted Mrs. Yaga to inform her of the issues with his apartment, Masterson said that he “… did talk to her about my problems with the apartment being ungrounded, but I think she misunderstood me.  She offered to set me up with some woman named Vasilisa.”

While examining the apartment, we asked Masterson about the one grounded outlet we found, a ground fault interrupter outlet on his bathroom wall.  “You know your life is flowing through an unintended path when the only decent outlet is next to the bathroom mirror.”

“I’ve tried to have a conversation with him about his life recently,” said his friend Dan.  “But lately I can’t talk sense into him.  Currently, he’s been alternating between being direct and indirect.  His thoughts seem daisy-chained together, and I ultimately can’t tell where they’re coming from.  This is a circuitous way of saying that I think he needs to test the various outlets he has in his life until he finds one that provide him with some sort of grounding.”

“He’s right,” Masterson replied.  “I just never knew living on my own would be such a shock to my identity. I’m trying to stay positive, but I find myself drawn to negative energy.”

This article originally contained thirty-seven more puns about electricity, all of which had to be cut.


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