New Study Suggests that People are Made out of Soylent Green

BAR HARBOR, ME — A new study released by the MDI Biological Laboratory in Bar Harbor, Maine, has suggested strong, preliminary evidence that human beings are made out of the very material that Soylent Green would be made of, were such a product to exist.

“Though these are only preliminary findings, we’re very excited to learn that Soylent Green is not made of people, but people are actually made out of Soylent Green.” declared head researcher, Dr. Fred Peabody.  “Being that humans are made of a product that is already widely consumed in a hypothetical future, this could ethically justify the production and consumption of a Soylent Green product.”

But other scientists disagree.  Dr. Alice Schmitt of University of Michigan’s Department of Bio-Ethical Sciences had this to say in response: “Ethical questions such as the morality of consuming human products are not for biologists or physiologists to determine.  Only a trained scientist in the field of Ethical Science is qualified to design the experiments that would prove with absolute certainty whether or not it is morally okay to eat a Soylent product made of people.”  Her research staff is already hard at work to determine whether or not Soylent Green is made specifically out of the same organic tissue as human beings have in their organs and muscles, and they have devised several Soylent Green prototype products in order to determine how each of these hypothetical future products are produced.

When asked about the tautological nature of both experiments, Schmitt laughed the question off as irrelevant, and suggested we “should direct such futile discussions to the Philosophy Department.”

But food engineers have also disputed MDI Labs’ claims.  Dave Catheter of the Kraft-Heinz Company retorts, “The problem with some scientific fields is that they don’t do research on prior studies when they design their experiments.  We engineers don’t have that luxury, and must match our endless flow of private sector research money with tireless scrutiny of our food engineering journals.  A scientist should know that food engineers working for Kentucky Fried Chicken conclusively proved, over twenty years ago, that Soylent Green would be made from the common household cat.”

But Dr. Peabody is undeterred in his research, claiming that it’s the job of science to continue to investigate what a hypothetical villainous American corporation seeking to monetize and control a hypothetical overpopulated future dystopia would use to make their product.  “There are too many factors, too many variables, at stake in this question.  Sure, we know what animal KFC would begin killing and serving to its customers given a shortage of chicken meat, but real scientists have to look at the big picture, i.e. what would occur given the conditions of an overpopulated future dystopia around the year 2022?  The answer is still unclear.”

“Do we really want to trust the answers to these questions, which imply clear, undoubtable, a priori ethical imperatives, to corporate America?  It’s our job, as scientists, to answer these big picture questions.  If we don’t, we must ask ourselves – who will?”

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