Hannaford to Begin Selling In-House Rendered Lard

PORTLAND, ME — The Forest Avenue Hannaford in Portland has announced plans to serve its customers hand-wrapped bricks of porkfat lard, to be rendered from pigs slaughtered in-house, beginning this spring.  After this trial run, the supermarket chain plans to expand on the new service in all of its 189 locations throughout New England and upstate New York.

Hannaford Brothers Company President Michael Vail announced the plan as part of the supermarket’s latest endeavor to provide its discerning customers with the “freshest and most high-quality food products” produced and sold locally, at a press conference held Monday by the company’s owners, Ahold Delhaize of Zaandam, Netherlands.

With the rise in artisanal food products in recent years, pig lard has probably enjoyed a resurgence as a natural option for home deep-frying.  Hannaford plans to give customers the option to choose which pig to have processed into unflavored cooking grease.  Construction has already begun on the pig pen, which will be located between the deli and wing bar.  The company has begun hiring top chefs from the country’s lard-rendering capital of Branchville, NJ.

Hannaford Hank

Hannaford Hank

Being able to pick, name, and freshly render your very own pig is the latest service in Hannaford’s Taste of Inspirations™ line of high-end products.  Long-forgotten mascot Hannaford Hank has been named to host the opening day’s events of smell-sampling for the adults and a pig scramble for the kids.  The lucky child who wins will get a tour of the schmalz-machine room while their prize is transformed into kitchen product.

This new development in the retail grocery chain is one of many new high-quality products produced within the supermarket’s walls.  Sources have however disclosed that their bagels will still suck.


One thought on “Hannaford to Begin Selling In-House Rendered Lard

  1. Pingback: I do like Hannaford Hank | wtf

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