This Season’s ‘American Idol’– Most Important Election of Your Lifetime

Voter turnout in American Idol elections has been at record lows for the past several years, according to social scientists at Harvard, who announced their findings at a very tense press release this past Friday.

“American Idol has it’s foundation in democracy, and if we choose not to participate in that, it can have very dire consequences for us as a nation.”

UPDATE: Election results come in on 2016’s American Idol; did we make the right choice?

While a number of factors are questioned, it’s not clear that there is any one reason why voter turnout for this season has been so low. Social scientists believe that voter apathy is driven by the down economy, and the lack of fresh new musical ideas.
An informal survey we conducted seemed to confirm this hypothesis.

“They’re just going to release the same crappy pop music, no matter who wins.” said Mary Clementine, a local bank teller.

Dirk Garfield, a local Starbucks barista didn’t participate because he felt it was “a pointless effort.  Just totally meaningless.”

Said Garfield, “We still keep playing songs from all the past winners on the muzak system, but it hasn’t affected my life in a positive way, nobody who ends up winning really does anything that different or interesting.”

According to a local tattoo artist, Keeth Shirp, she didn’t vote “because the whole system is structured to prevent anybody with new or interesting ideas from actually winning.  The way you win this election is by appealing to the lowest common denominator, not by having innovative ideas.  Plus you have to be willing to sign your life away to giant corporate sponsors, and only sellouts would do that. There’s no way that anybody actually worth listening to can win, given the way the whole system is structured.”


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