City of Portland Contracts Pinkeye


by WTF Staff

Following the start of cruise ship season, the entire City of Portland woke up to realize it’s eyelids were fused with crusty puss. Upon further inspection and a mild freak-out, the city surmised it had contracted pinkeye from the cruise ship passengers. Doctors have not yet corroborated this assumption.

Cruise ships generate a significant amount of pollution with each voyage.  Typically, an average-sized cruise ship with a carrying capacity of 3,000 people will generate and discharge into a harbor on each journey: 1 million gallons of greywater, a quarter million gallons of raw sewage, 25,000 gallons of oily bilge water, over 100 gallons of toxic waste, 50 tons of solid waste, and diesel exhaust equivalent to several thousand automobiles.  Due to lax regulations, and difficulty enforcing existing regulations, these are often discharged directly into the harbors the ship’s visit.

“Bacterial conjunctivitis is an infection that can be contracted through various sources of contamination. The bacteria can be spread through contact with an infected individual,  exposure to contaminated surfaces, sinus or ear infections.  The infection can occur through a variety of vectors, therefore the causation of the infection is inconclusive,”  Dr. Shepley Mauglass-Wheelan told reporters.

The source of the pinkeye epidemic remains unknown.  Portland Regional Chamber of Commerce CEO, Christopher Hall encouraged people to avoid jumping to conclusions or making hasty accusations about one of the largest revenue generators for Portland.

“Just because the cruise ships generate a lot of raw sewage, and just because the tourists pick their butts and touch everything without washing their hands, and just because they fart on our pillows, it doesn’t mean that this is where the pinkeye epidemic is originating.” Hall said, his eyes swelled shut and dripping with pus. “Let’s not be so hasty with judgements, we should also keep in mind the amount of revenue these cruise ships generate for the businesses in our city, and lay off the accusations until there’s further evidence available.”

Pinkeye is often said to be one of the most embarrassing and disgusting infections a person can contract. So far the only Portland residents who have been spared from the citywide epidemic are the artists who until recently have sold their artwork on the sidewalks of the Old Port.  Intentional or not, City Council has spared them from this epidemic by recently banning artists from selling wares anywhere near the Ocean Gateway terminal, Casco Bay lines terminal, as well as the sidewalks of Commercial street.


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