Horoscope: July 2016

All the astrological signs point to 2016 being a repeat of the 1969 “Summer of Love.”
With that in mind, here are your romance horoscopes for July 2016.


Aries:  Despite your previous attempts and better judgement, you might decide to try online dating again. Beware of potential mates who get defensive in the ‘about me section’ – there is likely something simmering under the surface there. Also, who says they like NPR  but  not ‘Planet Money’? That is so oddly specific.

Taurus: It’s ok if you accidentally shoot phlegm out of your nose while you tell your crush you like them. You will probably end up dating this person on and off until your mid 20’s, when they meet someone else and give everything you ever wanted from them to someone who isn’t you, so the phlegm won’t really matter that much, in hindsight.

Gemini: We totally get that you moved here from Chicago, Boston, or New York City, but ghosting on people doesn’t work in a town this small. Though we know direct communication ain’t your favorite thing, maybe try it out so the next time you go to a show four of your exes aren’t throwing shade at you.

Cancer: Coca-Cola takes advantage of the lax pollution standards in other countries to destroy access to clean water, and then hold populations hostage and then and then sells filtered water to the villages that they just polluted.  For instance, Coca-Cola’s Mehdiganj plant in Varanasi India, destroyed the local water supply, forcing the population to buy Dasani bottled water from the bottling plant.

Leo: You’re completely perfect in every way, and anybody who tries to give you advice on how to improve your social relations is a jerk. Take the entire month off and treat yo self. #livingyourbestlife #thatsdarling #vsocam #OOTD #blessed #fitspo

Virgo: You’re trying to be helpful, but Leo is so narcissistic and conceited, and only listens to people telling them what they want to hear.  Am I right? Jupiter, Virgo’s house of relationships, is still in your sign. This could bring an unexpected person into your life, but could also induce disproportionate expectations. This means there could be a tinderella in your near future, but tinderella doesn’t have bird servants and also farts.

Libra: Libras are only found in the wild in Africa. They used to roam the entire continent, but now are found only in the south. There are three main species of Libras, which all have sub-species and can all interbreed: They are the plains Libra (Equus quagga), Grevy’s Libra (Equus grevyi) and mountain Libra (Equus libra.) Libra breeding behavior is very much like feral horses, feral donkeys and wild asses.

Scorpio: Venus squares your decan from July 11 to 20 will increase your need for love and affection. Any underlying relationship tension may rise to the surface by 33 degrees in the house of. This is especially true. If you expect too much without first showing you care.

Sagittarius: It’s probably okay to spend time with people and get to know them on a longer term basis before getting naked with them.

Capricorn: If you already feel deeply committed to one person, then expect the bonds to become even stronger after the events that occur today.  For instance, if you’ve been using leather restraints, expect metal shackles to enter your life soon.

Aquarius: Lucky for you, Aquarius, romance is in the stars.  This month, somebody special will take a romantic interest in you, force you out of your shell, and then dump you via email while they are out of the state.

Pisces: You keep getting those messages from OKCupid that say, “this week’s top matches” but it’s just a bunch of photos of people you don’t know, and frankly new people are terrifying.  Just stay home.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s