Hillary Clinton Vows To Save Planet Using War and Capitalism


WASHINGTON, DC — Activists everywhere expressed shock and dismay learn today that all their efforts have been a pointless waste of their limited time on Earth.

Earlier today, Democratic Party presidential candidate Hillary Clinton worked with sitting president Barack Obama to fix all the world’s problems by simply using more war and and more capitalism.

“It’s amazing how many problems you can fix by just killing people, and taking their stuff,” a spokesperson for Hillary said in a press conference. 

Critics caution against being too quick to laud Clinton, as this idea that we can bomb everybody and take their stuff is not new.

The tactic of using more war and capitalism to fix problems was used by Obama before she suggested it. It was also used by Bush before Obama, with Condoleezza Rice and Donald Rumsfeld being chief architects of the Bush administration policy of using war and capitalism to solve all the problems of the world. 

Critics also point out that killing people and taking their stuff has been a tactic employed by every US President throughout history.  The major difference has been the amount of war and capitalism that Hillary Clinton advocates for.  It’s been described by many leading economists and foreign policy experts as being “just the right amount.”

Medea Benjamin, activist with the feminist anti-war group Code Pink, was flummoxed.

“Frankly, I thought the way to world peace was through world peace.  Turns out we can just bomb people and take their stuff, and everything works out fine without any negative consequences whatsoever.”

Many Occupy Wall Street protesters, known for their anti-capitalist bent, were shocked to find out that a more just, equitable, and democratic society could be arrived at through the oppressive means of colonialism and capitalism.  An Anarchist who only identified themselves as ‘Chaz’ remarked at what a waste of time camping out at Zuccotti Park had been.

“We spent months sleeping in the street, organizing protests every day, and dealing with nearly constant violence from the police who refused to recognize our first amendment rights.  Turns out we could have just voted for Hillary Clinton and let her bomb other countries and deregulate the financial markets at home– the very same things we were all protesting against– and everything would turn out just like we wanted.”

Chaz  plans to give up activism entirely to get a job on Wall Street trading medical patents like capitalist prodigy Martin Shkreli.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s