Paul LePage Partially Eaten By Minimum Wage Earners

AUGUSTA – Maine Governor Paul LePage has been hospitalized in critical condition after being partially eaten by workers earning minimum wage during a meeting in the Governor’s office today.

The workers, representing an organization they call “Feed Yourself!” met with LePage to share their personal stories about their struggles with poverty. They hoped to win LePage’s support for the referendum that will raise the minimum wage statewide to $12 per hour.

LePage initially agreed to meet with the group, and hear their stories. But the meeting took a turn for the surreal when, after telling the group he couldn’t support their efforts, LePage indicated that he would do all he could to oppose the minimum wage increase this fall. 

It was at this point that one of the workers, (all of whom the police are asking remain unnamed while the investigation is underway) allegedly jumped over the desk, biting LePage in the face.  Immediately, the rest of the workers present followed suit, and like a pack of starving wild dogs, they began to eat the Maine Governor.

The group released a statement today, saying:

“We told the Governor that we can’t pay rent anymore while earning minimum wage.  We don’t have health insurance.  We can’t buy food. It seemed like finding a solution would be difficult, but suddenly it became so simple. 

The people who stand in the way of our being able to feed ourselves are the same people who reap the benefits of a workforce that is unable to feed itself. They keep us on a short leash, so that we can be controlled.  But a dog on a short leash can still bite. We have a right to live, and must feed ourselves and our families by any means necessary.  We must eat the rich.”

 The Governor’s office could not be reached for comments in reaction to the statement in time for publishing this story.

Westbrook To Falmouth’s editorial staff do not condone cannibalism.  We all agree that it gives us the heebie jeebies.


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