The planets. They are doing things again. How do giant balls of rock floating in the emptiness of space affect your life? We spoke with them, and we have the answers.
Aries: Finally, you will have time to do laundry. You will find $5 in a pocket of a pair of pants. Use it to start that global business franchise you’ve always dreamed of. Microloans!
Taurus: You could make a nice miso soup with just some water and miso, and some frozen veggies. Want some mung beans? You can put them in after the soup is done cooking. We’ve gotta use them all up fast though, they go bad really quickly. Yes, I am right about this, Taurus.
Gemini: You’ll be dealing with lots of the same conflicting pressures that come up every year around this time, most of them dealing with getting older. Just remember, there’s always money in the banana stand.
Cancer: This month, make a real effort to not get your loodle all jouped up in your stigglywicket. Your friends find that sort of behaviour to be really frombly, but they won’t tell you to your face. Cheerio pish posh spot o’ tea crumpet strawb’ry jam William Shakespeare fish and chips. Brilliant.
Leo: Find a dog. Boop it on the nose. It will wink at you, and provide you with a map, and walk away. Your quest awaits, young knight. Godspeed!
Virgo: It would be advisable for you to travel at the beginning of the month, since you might be finding yourself awash with free time. If, for some reason, you find yourself in a nebulous southwest asian country, make sure not to accidentally fall in with any drug lords, since they might stuff your stomach with CpH4 and expect you to mule it back to Europe. You might end up becoming infinite space and time in the process, but that is okay, because you’ll help Morgan Freeman figure some shit out, and leave him a zip drive with all of life’s secrets on it.
Libra: Libras are highly social, and will only go to sleep if they are close to neighbours so that they can be warned if a predator approaches. They also prefer to graze together and will groom each other. Libras can run up to 65km/h. They combine this fast running with excellent stamina and zig-zagging motions to try and evade predators that chase them.
Scorpio: Did you ever hear the story of the frog and the scorpion? Could you not stab/poison the person giving you a ride across the stream and then accidentally drown the both of you this month, okay? Just this once? We know you have a lot going on. It’s going to be ok. Trust us.
Sagittarius: You know that feeling you get when you eat a spicy pepper- like you are hallucinating but also like your neck is coming off your body? That is the kind of month you could have if you don’t wash all your dishes before your roommate asks you to. We get that you are busy, but please just be respectful of shared spaces.
Capricorn: We could make a really nice curry with fried tofu and pineapple. Want some mung beans? Oh wait nevermind, they’ve gone mushy.
Aquarius: This would be a good month to read up on ichthyology. We recommend starting with “Colored Atlas of Miniature Catfish: Every species of Corydoras, Brochis, & Aspidora” by Dr Warren E Burgess
Pisces: Yes, everybody at the party you’re currently at has listened to Miles Davis’s “Kind of Blue.” Yes, we *really* listened to it, with our souls open to the light and love of the universe. Please stop going on about it.