Phoenix Editorial Staff Replaced by Roombas

Not Even the Newer-Model Ones, Either

by WTF Staff writer

PORTLAND – In a surprising­ turn of events, a source close to WTF has disclosed that the Phoenix Editorial staff has been replaced by Roombas. This restructuring measure was reported to have occurred around the time of the Phoenix’s purchase in late 2014 by former Portland Daily Sun owner, Portland News Club, LLC.

Portland Phoenix readers may have noticed a lack of cohesive voice, typographical and event listing errors, and a pervasive feeling the paper has been hitting the same wall over the last year and a half. Readers may have flippantly joked about how they thought the paper seemed to be run by robot vacuums, but nobody really knew how close to the truth they were, until now.

“Yeah, I had joked about it,” said west end resident Robert Flabestis, “they say that a joke is at least a half­truth, though I never thought something this ridiculous would be real. I had thought maybe it had just been careless mistakes made by underpaid or careless editors, but you can’t make this kind of [thing] up.”

Sources close to WTF say Portland News Club, LLC purchased early model Roombas in an effort to cut costs and avoid confrontation with an actual human person. At the time of Publishing, Portland Press Club, LLC could not be reached for comment. No word or timeline as to if or when the Roombas might be phased out and replaced with humans.

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