Horoscope: May 2016

Read this very important information we gleaned from studiously analyzing star charts through a 3-D viewfinder.

Aries: You will go on an okcupid date. It will be at a coffee shop. everyone there will be pretending they aren’t listening to your conversation, but oh, they are. If it sucks, don’t be afraid to cut things short to go get lunch by yourself.

Taurus: Mercury is in retrograde in your sign this month. Maybe this means you are going to have a trouble with talking to people about stuff, but we dunno- we aren’t good at articulating this sort of thing.

Gemini: You know that dream you had about being at the original Genos’ back in 1988? It really happened. Also you look great today, you charmer.

Cancer:  This would be a great month for you to get out and be more active, maybe learn some survival skills by crash landing on an island in the South Pacific, using the items that wash ashore from the wreckage as tools. You’ll learn to make fire and stab fish with sharpened sticks. You will feel like the first man. You can do it. No better way to learn than getting thrown into the fray!

Leo: You will get a lot of pressure from your peers.  If you don’t follow their lead, you will not fit in.  Nobody will like you if you don’t cave to peer pressure. Peer pressure!

Virgo: Look behind you.  You can’t see them, but they’re watching you.  Every moment of every day.  Once day, when you finally let your guard down, it’s going to happen.  And nobody will know but you.

Libra: When libras are grouped together, their stripes make it hard for a lion or leopard to pick out one libra to chase. Different libra species have different types of stripes, from narrow to wide. In fact, the further south you travel on the African plains, the farther apart the stripes on the libras get!

Scorpio:You know all those episodes of deja vu you’ve been getting? They’re all totally inane. Or they might mean you’re going to get fired again. But don’t quote me on that.

Sagittarius: You know that episode of the X files where a half human half parasite monster escapes Mulder by going out through the sewage treatment plant? That could be your month if you don’t call your mom and maybe eat a salad every once in awhile.

Capricorn: You’re at the front of the line of cars on the million dollar bridge.  You’re already running late, but you think you might be able to make it over the rising bridge if you floor it right now.  (If you choose to pull an Evel Knievel, turn to page 71.  If you decide to wait it out, turn to page 15.)

Aquarius: You’ve been thinking about buying a Ford Taurus.  This isn’t the car for you.  Wait until you find a 1990s Buick Century.  You can probably find one for like $500.  It will need some work, but you can totally fix it yourself.

Pisces: There’s something really important, but you’re not sure what it is, and it might not actually matter, so like, just do whatever.


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