Dow Jones Dips 365 pts as Wall Street Liquidates Assets to Play Powerball

WALL STREET – The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped a stunning 365 points today as Wall Street traders liquidated their assets and the assets of their clients to play the PowerBall, which reached a record $1.5 Billion dollars recently.

Hedge Fund Managers at Goldman Sachs and Chase Manhattan are planning to bundle all the PowerBall tickets together in a single financial product, and then sell shares of that financial product in an unregulated “dark market.”

Roy Farklaad, a hedge fund manager for Goldman Sachs explained how it works:

“First we’re going to buy up as many Power Ball tickets as possible.  Then we’re going to take out insurance policies on all the PowerBall tickets we bought.  At the same time we will bundle the losing tickets together with the winning tickets.  There’s some really complex math involved, but the whole thing averages out to a winning ticket.  We will then sell shares of that winning ticket to mutual funds and retirement funds.  At the same time we will be short selling the insurance policies in another financial market so if nobody wins, everybody wins.  It’s a guaranteed win.  There’s no way this can go wrong.  Also, we’re using your 401k to do this, so no skin off our nose either way.”

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