PARIS, FRANCE —
Many have been enjoying extended fall weather, but with the warmest year on record nearly over, and threats of climate change looming, many have been wondering if winter will be making an appearance in 2015.
Wonder no longer: Winter has been officially cancelled.
Citing the failure of #COP21 talks to come up with any sort of binding agreement that will prevent a catastrophic global change in climate of 2°C, as well just how generally awful humans have been this year, God announced today the indefinite cancelation winter, and Christmas along with it.
Appearing as a brushfire in the drought-ridden California, God made a statement to the press.
“Upon review of the COP21 treaty, I have concluded that the plan to keep the the temperature rise of this planet below 2 degrees Celsius is a hollow farce of an agreement, with no accountability for your planet’s largest polluters to follow through on any of the promises they have made to curb global warming,” God stated.
Becoming candid for a moment, God elaborated, “Look, I gave you a planet that can support life, and you haven’t taken care of it. You’re ruined it. I’ve been sending you once-in-100-year, extreme weather events every year, hoping that you’d get the message. What more do I have to do for you to start listening? If you can’t appreciate the gifts you already have, you certainly aren’t getting any new ones. I just don’t know how to get through to you anymore. So long as you live in my universe, you’ll live by my universe’s rules– I’m canceling winter on your planet, and Christmas along with it.”
Christmas traditionally has been a period of over-consumption, where the faithful open their wallets and give money to the ruling class in exchange for items nobody needs. It is one of the biggest drivers of the global economy, and as such, a leading driver of climate-changing pollution. Leading economists have stated that this will be a huge blow to an already slumping economy.
“If you don’t like it, then create your own planet, and maybe then you’ll learn to take better care of it,” said God in their closing statements.