What’s Cool? Well Since You Asked…

Dear The Phoenix,

You recently posted an article by Eric Severn asking “what’s cool?”

It was terrible.

Maybe you’re feeling a little butthurt about the sick burn that Hot Trash gave you over your abysmal local music scene coverage. 

Since you asked though, we at Westbrook to Falmouth would like to answer your question.

Things That Are Cool:

  1. Giving a shit about what is going on in the city your paper covers.
  2. Punching up, at those with power, instead of punching down, at those without power.
  3. Caring about the well-being of other people, especially the oppressed, more than your brand image or market positioning.
  4. Working to dismantle systems of oppression.
  5. Smashing Capitalism (see #4).
  6. Unvarnished truth.
  7. Brevity.

Things That Are NOT Cool:

  1. Suing other alt weeklies that are better than you out of existence so that you don’t have to compete with better papers.
  2. Being the Portland Daily Sun in disguise.
  3. Running a paper where no editorial staff live in the city your paper supposedly covers.
  4. Excluding candidates from your election coverage because they’re not Democrats or Republicans. (Portland’s second party is the Green Party, you idiots. If any of you lived here for any amount of time, you’d know that.)
  5. Sucking at your job.
  6. Being bro-douche idiots who write think pieces on “why patriarchy is a good thing in regards to shoveling snow“; or a ‘Student Guide’  that recommends treating unhoused people more or less like amusement park mascots. (Making fun of people who are in a disadvantaged position in society isn’t funny: It’s bullying.)
  7. Being all bummed out to learn that you can’t buy cool through acquisitions and mergers, and then so desperately obsessing over why people don’t like your shallow, desperate, hollow, meaningless shell of an existence that you end up writing an unreadable 4 page article about how shallow, out of touch, and desperate you are.

I hope you find this article helpful.

Sincerely,
WTF
PS: You are terrible.  Please stop.

 

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12 thoughts on “What’s Cool? Well Since You Asked…

  1. Obviously we disagree over your opinions, stated above. But re having no reporters who live here, that’s just not true. We have two staff writers, both of whom live in Portland, including Eric, as well as numerous free-lancers.

    Like

  2. What’s cool:
    1) Calling for the “smashing of capitalism”

    What’s hypocritical
    1) Serving ads via Google Adsense to make money on my blog — wait, capita– huh?

    You do understand that you are profiting off of your blog, via capitalism — through an ad network created by Google, one of the largest corporations in the world, right? Are you serious right now?

    And if I remember correctly, the Dig was sued due to contract infringement — i.e. departing employees stealing a whole hard drive worth of contacts upon their leaving for the Dig, which was owned by a company out of Boston, not Portland.

    Good attempt at being righteous. Poor execution on presenting real facts and backing up what you say. It’s cool though, you got a few retweets from your sub-100 followers on Twitter. Maybe that will be enough to satiate your ego for a few days until the next batch of pretentious vitriol is blasted into cyberspace for no one to hear.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! Great points, ad hominem tu quoque is always an effective tool for critical thinking and persuasive argumentation, and you employ it well here.

      More importantly though: While we’d actually love to be making money off all the views we get (rather than financing this endeavor out of pocket as a project of passion), WordPress.com is the business that is making all of the money from your views, not us.

      If you’d like for our web presence to be more consistent with an anti-capitalist worldview, you should install an ad blocker. We find that it makes the formatting look less clunky as well.

      Like

      • I am sending an open invitation for all of you freedom fighting keyboard warriors to leave your comfortable, well-heated homes and come to Preble Street to serve food to the homeless today.

        Liked by 1 person

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