Dear The Phoenix,
You recently posted an article by Eric Severn asking “what’s cool?”
It was terrible.
Since you asked though, we at Westbrook to Falmouth would like to answer your question.
Things That Are Cool:
- Giving a shit about what is going on in the city your paper covers.
- Punching up, at those with power, instead of punching down, at those without power.
- Caring about the well-being of other people, especially the oppressed, more than your brand image or market positioning.
- Working to dismantle systems of oppression.
- Smashing Capitalism (see #4).
- Unvarnished truth.
Things That Are NOT Cool:
- Suing other alt weeklies that are better than you out of existence so that you don’t have to compete with better papers.
- Being the Portland Daily Sun in disguise.
- Running a paper where no editorial staff live in the city your paper supposedly covers.
- Excluding candidates from your election coverage because they’re not Democrats or Republicans. (Portland’s second party is the Green Party, you idiots. If any of you lived here for any amount of time, you’d know that.)
- Sucking at your job.
- Being bro-douche idiots who write think pieces on “why patriarchy is a good thing in regards to shoveling snow“; or a ‘Student Guide’ that recommends treating unhoused people more or less like amusement park mascots. (Making fun of people who are in a disadvantaged position in society isn’t funny: It’s bullying.)
- Being all bummed out to learn that you can’t buy cool through acquisitions and mergers, and then so desperately obsessing over why people don’t like your shallow, desperate, hollow, meaningless shell of an existence that you end up writing an unreadable 4 page article about how shallow, out of touch, and desperate you are.
I hope you find this article helpful.
PS: You are terrible. Please stop.