America Officially Post-Racial According to Aunt Gladys

PORTLAND, ME – Area white woman made history today, deciding that once and for all that America is officially over the “race issue.”

Beginning with the Trans-Atlantic slave trade, white supremacy left a long legacy of social and economic inequity up until today, when it was declared officially over by liberal white woman Aunt Gladys, 64, a resident of Portland, Maine.

Aunt Gladys has been “vehemently opposed to racial prejudice of any kind since the civil rights era,” whereupon racism was solved across the country when Dr. Martin Luther King Jr gave a speech.

“This is something we dealt with already, and I’m proud to say it was my generation who made it happen.”

Citing integration of schools and the presidential seat being occupied by “that nice colored man,” Aunt Gladys claims many of the current acts of terrorism waged against black people are merely “just being scrutinized too closely, and are simply not indicative of an ongoing race problem.”

When asked about #BlackLivesMatter, the murders of Sandra Bland, Trayvon Martin, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, the fact that every 28 hours a black person is killed by either police or vigilantes, or the threats made by white supremacists presently happening at #Mizzou (University of Missouri) Aunt Gladys stated plainly, “In my day we didn’t twit or tweet about all this stuff,” dismissively categorizing all online activism as lazy and divisive.

Gladys then cherry-picked more benign quotes from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., ignoring the late activist’s history of impassioned civil disobedience, and opposition to war and capitalism.

“I mean, just last week I went to the grocery store and one of those nice foreign boys was bagging my groceries. My hand grazed his for a split second as I grabbed my bag and neither of us recoiled in fear! America is truly a beautiful place to be.”

Aunt Gladys pointed out that had such an encounter happened 50 years earlier for instance, her mother would have made her wash her hands.

Liberal white woman Aunt Gladys recounted a handful of other uncomfortable anecdotes regarding her limited experiences with people of different cultural backgrounds as further evidence of racism’s demise.

When asked whether her position might be different were she Somali, Chinese, or Mexican-American, and if her views on race are antiquated and only reinforce her position of relative privilege in society, Aunt Gladys shrugged and claimed to be part of “one big human family.”

Aunt Gladys’ eldest niece, Jennifer, a 26 year old waitress residing in Portland, was asked about race relations, and agreed racism is “pretty much solved” for people her age.

“The 60’s were a really long time ago and racism isn’t anything my friends and I think much about at all. If anything,” Jennifer added, “reverse racism is alive and well,” as evidenced by a black classmate of hers once being mean to her.

Jennifer concluded, however, that she personally is “color blind.”


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