Longfellow Elementary Celebrates Most Authentic Columbus Day Ever

PORTLAND, ME — Students at Longfellow Elementary School celebrated the life of Christopher Columbus ahead of the upcoming Columbus Day weekend by traveling to Gorham High School this Friday.  The program was part of a new experiential learning program initiated by the Portland Board of Education.

“We were trying to find Westbrook High School, but we got lost,” said, Jeremy Skeffington, a 4th grader at Longfellow Elementary. “It doesn’t matter though.  Their property is just as easily stolen, and they will make excellent slaves.”

It was clear that the students at Gorham High School were not expecting the visiting students.  Amanda Yunker, a junior and member of the Gorham High School varsity Field Hockey Team was surprised by the arrival of the students participating in the immersive learning experience.

“We saw these kids, all between kindergarten to 5th grade, getting off these buses, and we thought they were just coming to our school as part of some sort of ‘step up day’ to prepare them for what high school will be like.  None of them brought food, and we figured that they were probably travel weary, so some of us shared our lunches with them,” Yunker said. “We didn’t realize we needed to immediately defend ourselves using force, or we would have.  There was just no reason we would have expected this sort of brutality.  We were caught totally unprepared.”

Longfellow Elementary Students Celebrate the Most Authentic Columbus Day Ever

Longfellow Elementary Students Celebrate the Most Authentic Columbus Day Ever

Soon after arriving, the Longfellow Elementary children used knives and swords to round up the Gorham High School students into lines, screamed at them incoherently, and then proceeded to disembowel and behead those who didn’t comply.

Later that day, Longfellow Elementary Students prepared giant vats of boiling oil on the Gorham Rams Football field, and forced Gorham High School students at knife point to jump into the scalding oil, where they died of burn injuries.  The bodies of dead GHS students were later used as dog food.

Fifty to sixty GHS students were bound with manacles and shackles and loaded into the below-deck luggage storage areas of the three Longfellow Elementary schoolbuses parked outside, and were brought back to Longfellow Elementary to serve as slaves.  Many of them died of suffocation or severe heat exhaustion on the return trip.

Lauren Mackey, 31, a 4th grade teacher at Longfellow Elementary, felt that the immersive learning project was largely a success.

“This was definitely the most authentic celebration of Columbus Day we’ve ever had at Longfellow Elementary,” Mackey said, but indicated that she wasn’t looking forwards to next year’s celebration. “Hopefully the authenticity of our celebration this year will clearly illustrate why we should stop honoring a genocidal maniac.”


8 thoughts on “Longfellow Elementary Celebrates Most Authentic Columbus Day Ever

    • This is a satire piece pointing out pointing out how HORRIBLE it is that we have a National holiday honoring the man who brought about the mass genocide of the native people of America. We should not be teaching our children that Columbus “discovered” America. The truth about this country’s origins are dark and nothing to celebrate.


  1. Pingback: Longfellow Elementary Celebrates Most Authentic Columbus Day Ever | Bratista's Blog

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