Area Man Sick and Tired of Being Given Latest Edition of ‘What Color Is Your Parachute’

Blames Capitalism Instead

PORTLAND, ME – Area man Tanner Stotz is reportedly sick and tired of being given the latest edition of “What Color is Your Parachute.”

“No matter how many times I do all the little exercises about what my ideal career path is, I still end up having to just take whatever job I can get to pay rent and eat,” Stotz said.

Now owning 6 copies of “What Color is Your Parachute,” one for each of the past six years, each given to him by friends and relatives that wish him success in a difficult job market, Stotz has given up on pursuing a career of any kind, and has given himself over to the idea that he is no longer in control of his own destiny.

“Capitalism pretty much dictates that I’ll work for low wages at some job I don’t care about, and never be able to pay back any of my student loans ever, own a home, or build any sort of future for myself,” Sotz said. “I went to college, graduated suma kum laude with a 4.0 GPA as an English major, and just haven’t been able to find any sort of job that I couldn’t have gotten with just a high school diploma or GED.  Now I have all this debt, and I’m not sure how I’ll ever pay it off.”

Stotz went on to talk about how he felt like his life was not a result of choices he’d made, and how any efforts he made were wasted, while most of the opportunities he’d had were short lived flukes as a result of random chance, as though his life was just sort of a boring carnival ride that was locked to a set of train tracks, how he had no agency or control of his own future, and remarked repeatedly at the pointlessness of it all, and ended the interview by staring down into his hands silently and trying not to cry.

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